Akkarin's Diary
by Jaycest
Summary: Ever wonder what's written in his diary? This is a random collection of his journal entries giving you an insight to the thoughts and feelings of our High Lord Akkarin. - CHAPTER TWO POSTED -
1. Peace and Promise

_**Disclaimer: The Black Magician Trilogy and its characters belong to Trudi Canavan.**_

_This will be a random collection of the entries Akkarin would make to his diary, so chapters might not link at all. And I think I would probably update as and when inspiration comes to me._

_This chapter is an extension from my BMT Alternate Ending story. Set after Akkarin and Sonea had discovered and accepted their feelings for one other._

_On a certain night, Akkarin awoke from those daunting nightmares and made a short entry reflecting his thoughts and feelings. Which night exactly, I would say it's Chapter 14._

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_**Peace and Promise**_

_I awoke to darkness again, feeling more tired than I had before. The dark ceiling pinned me to my bed, until a slight stirring on my side lifted me from its weight. Her breathing was the deep rhythm of sleep, and a faint smile was curled around her lips. Her hair slid over her soft pale cheek as she edged closer and closer to me._

_Despite the familiar misery which settled upon my exhausted self, I smiled at the comfort her presence had brought to me. Her mouth drew me near. I placed a kiss on it. Barely more than a feathery brush, lest I awake her._

_At least, I did not scream myself out of sleep tonight. And at least I have more than just the emptiness I would usually find until I remained wakeful to meet daylight._

_The brightest stars pierced the darkened sky still, and the horizon has not shown its face behind those distant hills. It is the deepest hour of the night, where twilight has not gone too far behind, but the dawning of a new day hasn't quite arrived._

_These late nights we share should have given more life and joy than a man can expect to find. I would knock on her door, she would answer, and we would have one another. Sometimes she would come to me instead. But always, I would rouse to wakefulness in the odd hours of the dark, feeling the length of her body pressed against mine, holding me tight. As if she would not allow me to slip into the bottomless chasm of the night._

_Often times I wonder if we have changed one another and if we are no longer who we used to be. How did I ever convince myself to venture into such forbidden joining? How could she ever desire me after learning my darkest deeds? Such affection she willingly gives would have brought completeness to my heart and restored my wounded soul, if not for the dark time that lies ahead of us._

_Some might say memory is just a thing of the past, but it never was for me. Like an old injury that wouldn't heal, I would find myself debilitated by fear and remorse whenever those ghostly recollections haunted me and reminded me of the dark days they could set loose upon me. I wished they were none of my doing, and I wished time would put it all behind me. But no; it would never be and will never be, for there is no freedom to be gained by denying, and my only hope was to keep on fighting._

_At last, fate has presented me a chance to weed the source of my misery, with not just the bitterness and guilt I had brewed within me, but with the strength I would gain from those around me. And what I sensed from her these many nights was another kind of power she had unknowingly given to me. A fierce determination to treasure what we have between us during such difficult times, along with an undying persistence to overcome those opposing forces that would painfully tear us apart._

_Until then, happiness is not a promise._

_Until then, I will find no peace._

_Akkarin_

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_**Hope you have enjoyed this short chapter! I always imagine Akkarin to be someone skilful with his words (probably his sword as well :p) and perhaps a little on a poetic side. So...this would likely be the style/tone of his diary. ^_^**_

_**THANKS to Ralobat for beta-ing! And THANKS to Laura again for your feedback and comments!**_

_**As always, please do leave your reviews as there is nothing much more valuable than to hear from you about what you think of my work! Thanks for reading! ^_^**_


	2. Friend and Wine

_This entry was made on the night he discovered Lorlen had learnt his dark secrets. A night he truly lost a confidant, shattering his hopes of having a trustworthy friend to fight alongside with him in times of the greatest need._

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"_**To my dear friend, I raised my cup **_

_**He sang a song that steels my heart:**_

_**Bright is the moon, dark is the sky**_

_**Chill are my dreams and cold are my nights**_

_**I feel a pain that cuts like a knife**_

_**Who can unravel these woes of mine? **_

_**A sage's advice, a woman's embrace **_

_**None could match a friend's solace **_

_**We sail, we steer, we fight and we love **_

_**But a man is yet a man before he shed blood and tears **_

_**So in time of the greatest need, look not afar **_

_**Call to the wind; I'll be here as swift as a falling star…"**_

_~.~_

_This was an old song I once heard, sang by the sailors in the old tongue of Vindo. It branded my heart, and it tugged at my soul, for it made me miss an old friend I have always known. _

_I knew a time when I took heart in the words of this ancient song. But I no longer do, as I have come to accept I am but all alone._

_Be it songs, chants or hymns, I really shouldn't be giving any thoughts to them at such a time. But no sooner have I turned those words away from my head, they began to invade my thoughts all over again. It gave me no peace, and it harassed me to no end, but I knew no other ways to drive them out of my mind._

_It was as if the song is refusing to give up on me as I did to it. Urging me and pleading me not to lose heart in my dearest friend as he did of me. _

_Uncovering the secrets he harboured was a truth I could hardly bear, just as he had discovered mine, making me an enemy of his. This night seemed longer than the day has been. I had lost a friend and a confidant on this fateful day, destroying every trace of trust and respect I had ever gained from him. _

_The disappointment on his face cut me deep like a knife. And the fear in his eyes, had robbed me of a friend who could unravel these woes of mine._

_So from this day on I am all alone, with only my secrets, my lies and my fears for my own. I knew no sage to gain wise advice, or a woman to turn to for a warm embrace, and I certainly had no other friend who could offer me solace. That leaves me with nothing but just my glass and wine. Yet I can toast to no one who can put steel in my heart. As the only person who could have done this, he now brings a chill to my heart. _

_If there comes the right day, I could reveal the truth to him; would he respond to my pleas if I called to the wind? As I am already a changed man who had shed far too much blood and tears, is it too much to ask for a friend to fight beside me and to ease my fears? And if that day should come, will I still have these chilling dreams? Or will there be more than just wine to save me from yet another heart wrenching scream?_

_I pray in the time of my greatest need that aide will arrive without looking much afar._

_And I made these wishes at the passing of a falling star. _

_Akkarin._

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_**Authors Notes:**_

_**Hope you've enjoyed this really short entry! **_

_**It took me a while to come up with the lyrics of the Vindo song, so I hope you'll find it fitting to this chapter!**_

_**In case you are wondering why Sonea & Rothen is not mentioned here, I'm assuming that his confrontation with Lorlen happened at night while the one with Sonea & Rothen happens the day after :)**_

_**Thanks to OurFamily for giving me the idea to write an entry about Akkarin losing his friendship with Lorlen!**_

_**Thanks to Ralobat for beta-ing this chapter and going through the errors I've made with me! *HUGS***_


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